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Saturday, 30 December 2006

... in conclusion.

i felt like "signing off"

i (obviously) don't need xanga anymore, so i want to say "goodbye." i'm not saying that i'll never come here again... but... well i probably never will. (LOL!) i will offer a short update though.

my life is COMPLETELY different from what you may expect. especially the case if this journal has been your only window into my mind. and i am just as completely a different person. my soapbox, as of late, is gratitude... specifically between american christians and YHWH. almost daily now, i pray something like...

"dear god-of-the-angel-armies, please forgive us (americans). we don't realize how offensive we've become. we don't realize what we're doing. please forgive us, and please forgive me. help me to be part of the solution, your solution, instead of the problem. help me. i don't want to be a taker, like so many of us have become. forgive us for ignoring you, for shunning you, for foolishly thinking that we don't need you. and forgive us christians for being self-righteous and heartless bastards, worshiping everything around us except you, whoring about with false gods like religeon (mass mind control), and materialism. forgive us for the market of fear, and the sale of salvation. we have said... no shouted, with our behavior, that we don't want you around. some of us, however, still love you and want you to come to america and be our father. dear god, dear father, please forgive us."

i'm pretty sure i've never typed a prayer here before. the only reason i do it now, is because it is my personal belief that this example is along the lines of how we should be praying these days. so there ya go.

in conclusion, i would like to challenge you all to look for god. look for him, and he will be found.

143,
-k

Wednesday, 09 August 2006

"i cried because i had no shoes... until i met a man who had no feet"

today was a beautiful day, a great day for looking forward, taking a deep breath, letting it out slow, along with useless worries, and taking a first step.

one foot in front of the other.

today, was the first day of the rest of my life. know why? because i'm learning (again) that we have to endure crisis in order to find ourselves. the last few months have been the worst and most confusing of my life. and that means...

this is the best thing that has ever happened to me and that is how i choose to see it.

Friday, 05 May 2006

clouds...

that's what everything feels like.

everything is screwed up, and as far as i can tell, it's because i attempted to be a better husband.

go figure.

well... i guess i'll read some of my earliest entries in my lil' journal here, and take my own advice. true, i had a better hand earlier in this game, and it looks like i just lost a great deal, but... this game of life is far from over, and i've played with worse hands than this.

so instead of moping about what i've lost, i'm going to be thankful for what i have.

play the hand you've been dealt, yeah?

get busy livin' or get busy dyin' right? well i'll take "living" for $500, alex thankyouverymuch!

and lo, there do i see a familiar beam of sunlight through yonder clouds...

Saturday, 22 April 2006

well... been since february since i did the self-hate thing. and, simultaneously, a lot of other stuff seems to be totally degrading. and while i know there are a lot of things i could do better, i can finally accept that all of this screwed-up-ness is NOT 100% my fault.

y'know... i think i'll shift to lightly amusing story here. maybe it'll make someone smile.

today, my 4-year old, sarah, was coloring a large picture of barbie.

yay barbie!!! created in 1959 by mattel co-founder ruth handler as a teen fashion doll, barbie would soon become the ultimate standard of beauty for white girls around the globe. an impossible standard, as it were, due to her measurements, roughly 36/18/38. if you had femora that were the length hers would be, were she human, they would break under the stresses of common ambulation, not to mention all the snow skiing, roller-blading, child-birthing, and off-roading barbie has to do. inadvertently, many girls began to resent the doll. their legs weren't long enough, cheek bones not high enough, boobs not quite so gravity defying.

makes sense...

so anyway... my sarah says... "daddy look... it's barbie... she's a princess... i'm going to be pretty like barbie when i grow up." and this causes a gentle alarm in my head. but what do i say? i mean, as she's getting older, how do i address the american social expectation of beauty? she's way too young to process the whole "internal beauty" thing, she's just a kid. so i looked at her and said...

"no punkin... you're gonna be WAY prettier than that!"

i can explain it on the way, eh?